Girl Secrets: The 21 Point Swim Suit Inspection

As summer arrives, I thought I would explain to the gentlemen what it’s like for us ladies shopping for swimsuits. In one word, hell. There is no amount of therapy that will rid me of the emotional scars of swimsuit shopping. However, I know you guys must be curious about why it takes us so long in the dressing room. So I’ll go ahead and share a few details on the 21 point swimsuit inspection that happens on every single suit to avoid wardrobe malfunctions.

vintage-bathing-suits

1.) Jumping Jacks- Depending on the size of the dressing room, I will do full on jumping jacks to make sure that everything stays in it’s place. I refuse to end up on Girls Gone Wild.

2.) Cannonball Practice Jump- Will you look fat in your swim suit at awkward angles? Only a cannonball practice jump will tell you.

3.) Bend & Snap- Some women may or may not do this at the pool when they “drop their sunglasses”. Regardless of whether your wanting attention or trying to steer it away from yourself, this is a good test to ensure that lycra will keep everything in place. I will refer you to the movie Legally Blonde if you don’t know what the bend & snap is.

4.) You can’t really practice a dive in a dressing room unless you want a neck injury. So I end up doing some sort of head stand type thing except different because I’m not that agile.

5.) Sit & Stand- You have to make sure your derriere will remain covered at all times.

6.) Lounge position- When you lie down everything kind of shifts in such a way that you look thin and gorgeous or at least proportionate. That being said, I’m not worried about how I’ll look in a beach chair. This step is specifically for those who like to float down rivers in inner tubes.

7.) Pick something up off the floor- Such as your purse or a baby. The baby death grip on your top is always the makings for potential wardrobe malfunctions. In the Mom Olympics, there will be a category for picking up your baby & holding onto said baby all while keeping your top on & loosening the aforementioned baby death grip from said top.

8.) Baywatch run- You know… just in case…

There are so many tests and tricks to ensure a bathing suit will work for you and not scare the local wildlife. By the time I’m done trying on suits, I’m depressed (because they’re only made for skinny people) and exhausted. I swear every year that I’ll just wear a muu muu to the pool. And then I suck it up and consign myself to wearing my Speedo racing suit… again.  On my way out of the store, I grab a candy bar and stick it on my thigh because that’s where it’s going anyway.

Ladies, do you have any weird things you do to ensure your bathing suit is a good fit?

*Please note that this list does not include phase one, the actual putting on of the bathing suit. If the suit passes this test (i.e. you can get it on), then phase 2, the testing phase, commences.*

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